Some years back, a very wise man named John Eldridge wrote a profound little book called Wild at Heart. On one level it’s a deconstruction of our relationships with God, the relationship between sons and fathers, but the part I liked best. was his analysis of the relationship between men and women.
Now, this may stir some people up, but according to Eldridge, in the heart of every man are three things:
1. The desire for a battle to fight (not necessarily physical; think MLK, Jr.).
2. An adventure to live.
3. A beauty to rescue.
As to women, Eldridge also believes they harbor a desire for three things, too:
1. Every woman yearns to be fought for.
2. (And this is VERY important in my eyes): Every woman wants an adventure to share.
3. Every woman wants a beauty to unveil.
The reason I think #2 of the women’s desire is so important requires just a little introspection. So many men (and let’s be fair, women, too) make the all-important mistake in love of thinking that their partners ARE the great adventures of their lives. Yes, their love is overwhelming, but ultimately one or the other thinks, “I don’t feel central enough to what they’re doing. I want to be caught up in the adventure they’re living, not just an observer or an object. I get bored; take me into an adventure I don’t know yet.”
Many relationships fail instead of flourish for this very reason. It’s not that the loving stops. One person just gets bored because they’re either not living an adventure or not sharing in one.
Now I’ve enjoyed the love of several women, and have to admit that this rings very true to me. Each relationship ended, not because we stopped loving each other (the truest form of which never dies), but because I made the mistake of making THEM my adventure. I don’t know if I was born that way, or whether it developed over time, I just know that the adventure of my career and recreational pursuits never really interested them, and so I focused most of my adventure on them. The adventure shared in the first long-lasting love I enjoyed was that of stimulating political and economic discussions; we discussed ways to fix all the socio-economic problems of the day. That was the adventure we shared for many, many years. But she felt law school ruined me, causing me to think in shades of grey rarer than the black and white she so preferred. Thus began a gradual decline and her search for adventure elsewhere. It literally broke my heart, and I didn’t date again for several years.
Subsequent relationships followed a similar pattern. I’d get close to someone, based on mutual attraction and an initial hope of adventure together, only to have them tell me after a while that they had become bored, not with the love, but with the rest of the relationship. I now understand that by making them my adventure I had simply made life boring for them.
It’s hard to break this cycle, especially when you live alone in a new city and are not inclined to hang out at bars or other pick-up places. I’ve never “picked someone up” anyway, and am too shy to learn now.
So take the Eldridge comments and see how they fit in with your experience. I suspect that if you’re really honest with yourselves you’ll see just enough truth there to make a difference in your marriage or next relationship of love. It may be too late for me, but hope, as they say, springs eternal.
~Woodpecker
Woodpecker Writes
Wild at Heart
Some years back, a very wise man named John Eldridge wrote a profound little book called Wild at Heart. On one level it’s a deconstruction of our relationships with God, the relationship between sons and fathers, but the part I liked best. was his analysis of the relationship between men and women.
Now, this may stir some people up, but according to Eldridge, in the heart of every man are three things:
1. The desire for a battle to fight (not necessarily physical; think MLK, Jr.).
2. An adventure to live.
3. A beauty to rescue.
As to women, Eldridge also believes they harbor a desire for three things, too:
1. Every woman yearns to be fought for.
2. (And this is VERY important in my eyes): Every woman wants an adventure to share.
3. Every woman wants a beauty to unveil.
The reason I think #2 of the women’s desire is so important requires just a little introspection. So many men (and let’s be fair, women, too) make the all-important mistake in love of thinking that their partners ARE the great adventures of their lives. Yes, their love is overwhelming, but ultimately one or the other thinks, “I don’t feel central enough to what they’re doing. I want to be caught up in the adventure they’re living, not just an observer or an object. I get bored; take me into an adventure I don’t know yet.”
Now I’ve enjoyed the love of several women, and have to admit that this rings very true to me. Each relationship ended, not because we stopped loving each other (the truest form of which never dies), but because I made the mistake of making THEM my adventure. I don’t know if I was born that way, or whether it developed over time, I just know that the adventure of my career and recreational pursuits never really interested them, and so I focused most of my adventure on them. The adventure shared in the first long-lasting love I enjoyed was that of stimulating political and economic discussions; we discussed ways to fix all the socio-economic problems of the day. That was the adventure we shared for many, many years. But she felt law school ruined me, causing me to think in shades of grey rarer than the black and white she so preferred. Thus began a gradual decline and her search for adventure elsewhere. It literally broke my heart, and I didn’t date again for several years.
Subsequent relationships followed a similar pattern. I’d get close to someone, based on mutual attraction and an initial hope of adventure together, only to have them tell me after a while that they had become bored, not with the love, but with the rest of the relationship. I now understand that by making them my adventure I had simply made life boring for them.
So take the Eldridge comments and see how they fit in with your experience. I suspect that if you’re really honest with yourselves you’ll see just enough truth there to make a difference in your marriage or next relationship of love. It may be too late for me, but hope, as they say, springs eternal.
~Woodpecker
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